A First

It has been awhile since I have had anything happen that was worth writing about but tonight changed all that. I had a first. Not in a good way. Not in a bad way either. A client ended her session after 15 minutes of complaints and walked away from the table. In all my years working as a therapist I have never had this happen to me.

The appointment began a bit strangely. The clients wanted a tandem in a hotel but were not ready at the appointment time because they moved from one room to another; this was not necessarily a strange thing since people change hotel rooms for many reasons, but this was the first in a series of events that was a sign of things to come.

Upon arrival at the couple's suite, the husband helped me carry my table to the adjoining room and asked both of us therapists to help explain to his son that movies were not real and that the dog in Marly & Me did not really die. We both assured the boy that the dog in the movie was still alive and he quickly forgot his sadness and began to play and laugh.

The father explained to me that his lower back hurt and I told him I would help ease that, telling him which of the tables was mine, when his wife came in as we were talking, she immediately complained about the air conditioning saying that was why they changed rooms and that she was cold. We turned on the heat and she got on my table, telling her husband to take the other one.

I asked her what she wanted me to work on and how she liked her pressure. She indicated her shoulders needed work and she loved having detailed footwork done. As I began my session with broad forearm strokes she asked for more fingers, less arms, so I obliged. She asked for shiatsu. She asked for kneading strokes. She stopped me and said "Something is missing". I asked what she wanted but she did not know. I offered to switch with the other therapist but she did not want to switch. Fifteen minutes later she got up off the table and said, "I am not happy, I would rather go to bed".

In all my years as a therapist I have never had anyone react this way. I understand when a therapist is not doing what you ask and you stop a massage. I understand when a therapist hurts you and you stop a massage. But when a therapist has changed styles, strokes, pressure, and asks, "What would you like?" and there is no cogent reply, it is not the therapist, but the CLIENT who should be fired.

There are some clients who are impossible to please because 1) they are in a bad mood, 2) they are using you to vent their bad mood, or 3) something about you triggers them. I think tonight it was a combination of all three. My client was already in a bad mood from moving hotel rooms and she had not yet vented her anger when I arrived, then she saw her husband carry my table for me and she saw us talking about his back pain, so she commandeered my table to show her authority (like a dog over his territory).

The concierge wanted to have them pay me for the aborted session, but I knew the woman would spew her wrath on them if they charged her, so I just took it as a loss of my time and energy. Containment of poison is more important than any amount of money. Every business has write offs and this was my one in the 8 years and approximately 10,00 hours I have worked as a therapist. Since no one has perfect record, I guess tonight was a reminder that you can't please everyone. Nor should you try.

Moans and Monkeys

After nearly a decade in this profession, I thought I had already experienced the most bizarre clients, but I had two new clients who proved that I should never say I have seen it all. To paraphrase Forest Gump, "Clients are like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get until you start working on them."

One was a particularly unsavory client who asked me to sing for him. I was so surprised by what he said that I asked him "Sing?" as if I had heard him incorrectly. He kept insisting that I sing him something while I worked on him even though I told him I could not carry a tune and did not know any songs. Since he failed in his attempt to make me sing, he then segued into asking me to tell him jokes. I told him I did not know any and again he was insistent, cajoling me over and over to either sing for him or tell him jokes as I was working on him. Since we had a 90 minute appointment, he spent a long time trying to get me to entertain him. When I asked him to sing or tell me a joke he simply said, "No I'm no good at either, that's why I want you to." at this point I was beginning to expect him to ask me to dance for him too. Near the end of the session he proposed we have a breath holding contest and wanted to make sure I was not cheating by putting his hands on my waist; I immediately removed his hands and said, "Bullshit, do NOT touch me". He took offense and said that I did not need to curse; I replied that he did not need to put his hands on me for any reason. I ended the session and asked for my payment. I think he believed that his payment entitled him to treat me as his trained monkey to entertain or play with him however he wanted. I would not be surprised if he expected every one he employed to follow his whims. I hope that other therapists will also refuse to feed this kind of egotistical manipulation because if no one fed this power hungry monster, it would die of starvation.

On the other end of the spectrum was a client who had been looking for a replacement therapist because his regular therapist moved out of state. He told me that he had been looking for a year and that information set off a red flag, making me wonder why it had taken him so long. Once I started working on him, he started moaning. Usually when clients moan, it is like applause to my ears, showing that I am getting to the right spots, but if this man's moans were applause, it would have been as if he had been giving me an enthusiastic standing ovation with yells and foot stomping for two solid hours. It was actually a bit disturbing because he sounded as if he was having sex with loud, earth shattering groans and moans that literally drowned out the nice mellow massage music playing in the background. I felt as if I was in the episode of "Friends" where Pheobe refuses to massage on Monica because of her extreme sexual sounding moans, only this man was not a friend, but a new client. In the spectrum of client behavior, this was not horrible, just annoying. It left me in a quandary as to my response should he rebook with me; what, if anything, do I say to him about his moaning? His free expression of pleasure is to be applauded, but is there such a thing as too much applause? How do you tell your audience to stifle when it is clear that they enjoy your work and want to express it?

Worst Client Award Winner

I have only fired two clients in my entire career, one was a professional athlete who was constantly late for his appointments (never paying for the 30 minutes he was late), abusive to others, and controlling. There was no way for me to give him the pressure he wanted while using only my fingertips (he specifically said he did not want any elbow, forearm, knuckle, or palm work), and he never tipped even though he said he enjoyed my work every time I worked on him. After three appointments I told the hotel concierge that I no longer wanted to work on him and they immediately asked if he had acted inappropriately; my reply was simply, "He is very difficult to work with and if he books again, please give him another therapist". Diplomacy is always a good tactic, especially with a concierge with whom you have had an on going relationship for many years.

The winner of the worst client of my career came years later. She explained on a phone call how she had several surgeries and health problems that left her "energetically sensitive". She told me that she had been unable to find anyone in Los Angeles she liked as an ongoing therapist. I learned after my first appointment with her why she had been unable to find anyone she liked; just as all true benefits are mutual, all problems are also mutual.

As someone who works in this profession because I enjoy helping people feel better, I consider it a challenge to work with people in pain. It is the most rewarding experience to see a client get up with a smile able to move or simply to sit comfortably after I work with them. While I can not always provide complete relief, nearly every time the client feels better and in less pain than when I arrived.

Sadly there is no 100% success rate in any profession, and my worst client was the one who showed me that the 1% can damage the other 99% if you allow it to affect you. I found that after working for several hours on someone who was never satisfied and constantly changed the parameters of what she wanted, my mood and energy was affected for other clients I had for several days afterwards. I felt as she enjoyed torturing me, constantly changing her mind on how much pressure was enough or too little, what areas she wanted addressed and in what order, which direction she wanted my movements to go, and how I was to communicate with her (by text only even when arriving at her door); she did all this every five minutes during sessions which lasted several hours.

I felt as if I needed a shower after my appointment with her just to wash off the negativity that permeated my body after working on hers. I was shocked when she harassed me for weeks afterwards, sending me a text at least once a day asking for another appointment. She apologized profusely for being difficult and promised it would be easier if I took another appointment with her. Easier is a relative term, and although she was not as difficult, it wasn't by any means a good appointment for me. I tried to find a substitute for me but when I referred someone else to her she demurred saying she only wanted to work with me. I think she enjoyed the continuity of knowing her torture victim in advance.

I believe in the adage, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" and I have fired her. I feel free now to do my work with people I enjoy who appreciate and enjoy my work. Sometimes you must let go of a client who poisons your energy so that you can allow other truly wonderful clients to come to you. Ever since I fired this woman I have had more clients than I can count, and every one of them is 100% easier and more beneficial to my mental, emotional, and financial health.

You can't help everyone, but you can help yourself; always feel free to fire a bad client.