Royal Treatment

Some people think that clients who are very wealthy or very famous are also very generous, but that is not true 90% of the time. I have worked on Royalty (as in Princesses and Princes), movie stars, politicians, and professional athletes, and most of the time, they do not tip.

Yes, the sad ugly truth is that the rich and famous are notoriously picky and cheap. I have had them literally hide in the bathroom to avoid paying a tip. I had one Prince write a very nice 30% tip onto a check, and then bounce that check; I asked him go get cash and collected it from him the next day.

Some celebrities simply act as if they are God and refuse to speak or look in the eyes of "service" personnel. I had one actress who refused to have me work on her because I had the audacity to look in her eyes, so she had me work on her assistant instead. Another public figure talked to his girlfriend as if I was invisible and deaf, having a full on phone sex session with her as I was packing up my table to leave.

Professional athletes range from the physically challenging (working on 6 feet and 300 pounds of muscle is an Olympic workout) to the steroid insane; one client was having a screaming match with his fiance over the phone when I arrived, then had six beers to "calm down", and took a prescription sleeping pill before I started working on him. He passed out during the hour and a half massage, but not before downing another two beers during the session.

The only reason I still work on celebrities is the 10% who are actually kind and generous. There are a few wonderful people who treat everyone as a human being and who appreciate a good massage; those people are priceless.

Quality of the Materials

Quality costs money, and the quality of the materials, environment and therapist you get will usually* reflect what you pay for. When you walk into the space where you will be receiving a massage, it is worth noting the quality of your environment. What is your first impression? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel safe? Do you want to be in the room?

It is the small, almost imperceptible details that matter. It is the cleanliness of the room, the clutter in the space, the smell and the sounds of the surroundings. If the place is dark to hide the dirt, noisy with neighbors or traffic, or if it smells of something unpleasant like mold or animal excrement, you will probably want to leave. You should. The energy of the space speaks volumes about the quality of the therapist; if the therapist can not make the space inviting, chances are the massage will not be soothing.

If you enter a calm, clean space with soothing music, soft flannel sheets, and candles or soft lighting, you would expect a quality massage, and you will probably receive one. There is a reason that the cheap massage places and therapists use disposable face covers and have clinical environments; you are getting what you pay for. If you are paying very little, that is exactly what you will receive in both massage skills and comfort.

*Except when you pay for a massage in a spa which pays the therapist only 15-50% of what they charge you.

Tattoos, Piercings and Screws Oh My!

I work in Los Angeles, so I get a good cross section of all body types, personalities, ages, and professions. One other thing I get is up close and personal to body art of all types, and since this is Los Angeles, there are more and bigger scopes of body art than say, Minneapolis.

Tattoos are now common and accepted by even very sheltered people as a form of expression that they may or may not choose for themselves. The old days of "Mom" tattooed on an arm are historic and nostalgic of another era. Welcome to 2009 Dorothy, where there are "reality" shows about tattoo artists (yes one is based out of Los Angeles). I have worked on people whose entire body is a living canvas from their necks to their ankles. The art they display reflects their tastes from the comic (as in comic book characters) to the Gothic (as in skulls that bleed), and everything in between, including tribal and Asian art. Tattoos are literally like a walking museum of the owner's personal taste and I find it both fascinating and beautiful at times to see what they display.

Piercings are also common, especially in women's ears and belly buttons, but this is Los Angeles, and once again the big city attracts bigger and more. Piercings here can range from eight (in one ear), to sizes (in an ear) that are an inch wide; these are not your average earring piercings here. There are of course many others in places that I never see which are draped by the sheet during a massage, but my guess is that if I see fifteen piercings above the sheet there are probably a few more under the sheet.

Finally there are screws. Yes, as in the kind you screw into a piece of wood, but in this case it is usually into a skull (I am not kidding!). I was working on a guy who was very heavily tattooed and pierced, when I felt something hard sticking out of his forehead. I asked him what it was and he told me it was where he usually screwed in his horns (again, I am not kidding), but since he was getting a massage, he removed them and so the screws were what I was feeling in his skull.

Every therapist is always free to decide which clients they want to accept or refuse, so if tattoos, peircings and screws don't bother you, you will have a good client base in Los Angeles; if these types of body art do bother you then perhaps you should move to Utah.

For the record I have no tattoos, three piercings which are all in my ears, and the only screws I have are the few that may be loose inside my head.